I’ve had a hard time keeping my head above water for much of 2013, which meant I was off radar and out of touch for a lot of people who are dear to me.
This was the year I lost the plot, lost the map, lost my sense of self. Again. I fell down a lot. I learned more about what I don’t want than what I do want. I guess all of those things are necessary sometimes, but it really wasn’t fun.
I took on challenges I wasn’t ready for, with predictably disastrous results. (No, but seriously. Beginning the year with intensive academic demands while simultaneously going off medication that dramatically alters my brain chemistry seemed like a great idea at the time.)
I decided to try out something more than a wild romantic fling for the first time since my marriage ended. Aaaaaaand I sabotaged the whole endeavour by choosing to fall for the least suitable, least available, most awfully wrong choice I could find. But y’know, at least failing on purpose means I’m still in control. And there was some spectacular adventure involved. No. I probably still won’t tell you about it, unless you get me really, really drunk.
2013 saw me confronting the multitude of ways I fail, or intentionally subvert my path to avoid the things that scare me … even when they’re things I want. It was hard and ugly and lonely and it was the year I created for myself.
But I still managed to do some really amazing things this year. I landed myself in the writing program of my choice and I loved and hated and aced the first term. It was exhausting, exhilarating, and pushed me in every direction out of my comfort zone. I still have no idea where I’m going. But I feel like I’m probably going to be equipped to make it somewhere. Maybe. Which is about as decisive as I feel safe being for now. It’s progress, right?
And while a lot of it was lonely, some really important people walked into my life this year as well. People I’ve laughed with, learned from, and fallen a little in love with. I’m so grateful for all of the gifts they brought with them, grateful for the continued kinship of everyone dear to my heart. More convinced than ever that the most important thing we can do is build and foster community around us.
So that’s what I’m inviting into my world for 2014: Less fear. More community. Connections that spread in tendrils of wonderful, unexpected things. Love and hope and wonder and growth. More art, more laughter, more trust. Just … more.
Bring it on.