I’m lost, falling down drowning in all the things I cannot say you will not hear. I keep waiting, clinging by the shreds of all I have left to whatever there is to be grabbed. Pacing confused and misremembering, my sense of space displaced presence replaced an uncertain semblance of my struggling self slipping ever so gently into that swirling violet darkness of jagged stars dancing ugly things plucking at the edges of the ground all around and I can’t keep myself upright, I don’t know how to hold on to the parts of me that would be carried away by the biting ravenous blackness sharp and eager with want. My heartmindvoice rocks tangled and tumbled into a polish of silence while just beyond this quiet twitches angry and vulgar all the same sick and unforgiving hauntings reaching deep for what’s left of me shrieking still willful incoherent I’m not there, curled up small now I am living safe inside winter these frozen walls closed around me whispering empty ticking moments time bombs of loss and limits exceeded, and the small crowd of gathered onlookers shuffles uncomfortably while mute I wait for you with tattooed wrists and kisses clenched in trembling fists but the hands that I’m seeking to steady are not reaching back and carving your recriminations into my always yielding flesh I am reminded that I am the only one to blame.
(Yes … I know. You’re all now trying to decide whose job it will be to take me by the hand and gently suggest that I renew my meds. But … what if these are just things I need to say? What if they need to be heard? It’s all there, whether I medicate it or not. So, I dunno. You could maybe not read my blog for a while, if it freaks you out.)